Monday, January 07, 2013

Sarah Lynn Rouette, April 21st, 1974 to January 7th, 2013

I can’t believe you’re gone, a month ago, you had a close call and by the time I got to your side, you were already bulling people around about the proper texture of your coconut jello and the feng shui of the Christmas decorations in your living room, 6 months ago, you were risking your life on that damn mountain bike of yours flying down steep mountain slopes and 2 years, 9 months and 21 days ago you went into see a doctor for a excisional biopsy on her right breast and woke to a world that had cancer in it. But this blog post isn’t about that disgusting disease, it’s a selfish post about me and her and choices we made in life.

 Sarah was younger, other than her shoe collection, she was a minimalist. She was a stubborn, smart, pig headed, fun and had great dreams, she would focus on a goal and it was hers. She made life look easy. She saved up her money, lived in a shack and took huge elaborate trips to far distant lands with a pack on her back but she always came back to Prescott to roost. Me, I ran away like I was being chased by wild dogs and then spent the next 2 decades coming back for sips from that well. I became a Gypsy, joined a band of roaming sailors who pulled into home port on rare occasions and somehow in the middle of that wildness I had got married and had a kid. Sarah being Sarah and never one to beat around a bush, called me a breeder (with great distain) and that I was making a foolish mistake, alright, I admit, she did call that one sort of right.

Years go by, me traveling the world and wearing out my soles while she stayed in Prescott and gathered a community around her.

She did finally settle down and had two beautiful children that she could call her own and somehow became a super momma involved in all sort of outlandish mommy activities. Most of the mom’s I see are military wives or military members and she out momma’ed most of them. For those of you who do not know Sarah, it’s hard to explain the gaggle of momma friends she had around. These girls were her life and she was theirs in ways that I can’t pretend to understand.

If my sister and I have one thing in common, we can pull people together when we put a mind to it. By this time, I had gathered my own community of nerds and oddballs that was connected by electrons and ether and scattered across vast gulfs.

The point I’m getting to is that even though I’m torn up and weepy right now and even though I’m her brother. It’s been two decades since I’ve made a real impact on Sarah’s life and even then, I don’t’ think I shifted it an inch out of the path she made, over the last few years, she’s formed this commune of friends that have been her strength and armor, she was a part of Prescott, not meaning that she lived in it or that she was a Prescott girl. She was as much of the town as Whiskey Row. I’ve only touched her life briefly, a dab here and a dab there, dumb little things like setting up her blog and attempting to pull her out of the dark ages because even though she had a huge brain, she was still at heart, a total Luddite and thought of technology as a passing fad that the rest of us would get over.

We were always off on our own private holy mission that seemed so important at that moment.  If there is anything in life that I regret, I regret that we did not have a proper brother/sister relationship, I regret rushing off those moments when I could have taken more time to take in her amazing life that she had built like a castle around herself and I regret not being there for you when you needed me. This armor of hers, it’s just not hers, it’s the people she’s drawn to herself and right now, it’s torn asunder and I’m sorry, I’m just a dumb boy and don’t have a clue on how to mend it.

My heart aches, I love you sis and miss you terribly.

Her blog is called Drink Water and Breathe

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

This was just beautiful Sean. My heart goes out to you and your family. To say I'm in shock is an understatement and I'm not sure I'll every understand. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Harold Babb said...

I never actually met her and I miss her, too. I had to leave a word for her.

Lori Heaps said...

Sean, Sarah loved you very much. She talked about you to me when you helped set up her blog. You were her big brother, not always there in person, but always in her heart. We will all miss her wit, smiling face and her love for life. She will be missed by many.

Karoliina Urso said...

I'm sorry for your loss. One of the worst heart gruenching days I ever had was when my brother died and there was nothing I could do about it. He was younger than I was and he had two young sons. I just wished that the world would take a little time out to remember him. My little brother.

labradorrodeo.com said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my younger brother years ago, and no matter how close or not close you are to a sibling, it's a unique relationship and a unique kind of grief.

Sounds like she was an amazing woman who left a legacy of real, true, honest community...and that is a rare thing, greatly to be treasured. Praying for your family's peace and comfort tonight, especially for her sweet children.

Challenge coins said...

Really its very shocking news to your beloved ones.

lorraine said...

Sean: So sorry to hear of the passing of your wonderful sister. I started reading her blog when you first posted her story and the link. I am an RN and had an understanding of the challenge she was facing from the beginning. It was wonderful how she took her battle and turned it into a highly readable and enjoyable journey to be shared with us in blog land. It is painful to experience the loss of a soul you never met personally. There is no one to reminisce with, hug or reach out to with love and support. I reach out to you and grieve as well for the loss of such a wonderful soul as your precious sister. It is a sweet thing that her children and family have the record of the blog you helped her start to review and touch some of the humor and determination that she brought to her life and this world. I hug you through the electrons and ether that is the city/country we live and communicate in. Love and comfort to us in our shared grief. lorraine

Anonymous said...

I am facing death of cancer and am a single mom of two children. Scared doesn't even described my reality...not for myself, at this point, but for my kids. Can you tell me, what happened with your nephews? Where are they, who do they live with now, how are they, etc?

Sean Dustman said...

They are living with their father, Sarah had life insurance, they seem to be doing alright but only time will tell.

Rebecca Benoit said...

I found your sisters blog because her story resembles my own. I'm 34 with two primary cancers. I saw your post, pasted only a bit ago, and wanted to offer my condolences. Your words for your sister are beautiful.

Be well.

Rebecca